Posture: The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

"There are several reasons for keeping the eyes open [during meditation].  With the eyes open you are less likely to fall asleep."

*LOL*  The challenge for me is staying awake with my eyes open.  


I first learned and practiced the Open-eyed Sleeping Technique as a university student. I even passed a few papers this way.  :) More recently, I have perfected it as a mom with a child that has a sleep/behavioral issues.  The trick is to go beyond the horizon of tired to the place where it all blurs just before you go cross eyed.  Then you sustain that posture for as long as you can.  :/  Trust me, it gets easier with time...you may even begin to feel confident operating heavy machinery this way..... *SIGH*

Going back to the book, I like where the master is headed with the thinking behind his open eyed medication:  

"meditation is not a means for running away from the world, or of escaping it into a trance-like experience of an altered state of consciousness. On the contrary it is a direct way to help us truly understand ourselves and relate to life and the world." (page 68)

I do not want to run away from the life that I have; instead I want to find peace with it, in the present, so I can learn to enjoy those that I love and the world around me better.  The world I live in is often a 'cruel to be kind one', where you learn that science does not have the answers...At times I long for the days when I trusted in what doctors told me implicitly, things were so much more simpler then.  Alas, no.

I feel as if I have developed a thick, hard, impenetrable exterior at times to hide the sorrow and hardship.  Only today I burst out into tears when my husband spoke to me about the arm-splints Mia will have to wear, possibly for the rest of her life, when she goes to sleep because we cannot be there at all times to make sure she does not harm herself.  I hate restraining her when her hands are such an important part of her communication, her eyes, her smile.  I cannot help but see her beautiful smile. But once I let it out, the ever present parental poise came out when I went spend some times with the girls.  My husband is amazingly supportive, us ladies are very fortunate to have him as our rock.

So I hope meditation will help me to improve my enjoyment of life, so I can share it with those I love with infinite love and patience.  With my eyes wide open, at peace with the moment and unafraid of what the future might bring. For my eyes to reflect compassion and love, for my whole being to feel it flow through my soul and into my body and back. I want to learn this lesson for myself, but also so that my children can experience a better relationship with me. I want to learn so that I can better love my husband and best-friend.  Because I am not the only one that lives with the consequences of decisions.

Love

M-

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

"The key to finding a balance in modern life is simplicity." 

I thought I had reached a point in my life where I would not be as humbled by a book again...and then I found by chance The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.  

Surprisingly, I am still only in the fourth chapter. I usually devour books in one sitting.  Here I am reading slowly because I want enjoy every syllable; every parable. 

Through this book I have reconnected with the spirituality of my Catholic childhood of wonder and meditation. The parallels are strange; comforting.  As if I have returned home to find the furniture had been rearranged and a bit of the decor changed.

What is more, I find a true promise of an afterlife that everyone can share, despite their physical or mental state.  People will be free of physical imperfections, not because they will be what we consider ' normal ' but because their true selves will become manifest; their essence, their mind that makes them who they are.  The thoughts related in this book ring true to my heart in the way that universal truths can:  I am not told to have faith, I have it.  I'm not told to believe in what is said, I'm encouraged in a loving, compassionate way to search for the answers within myself.

No doubt I will post more bits here and there but for now I will just be.

Love,

M-

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone has had a good holiday break.  The last few weeks were good for the soul, but when there are kids around, not very relaxing!

My youngest at five has got the most beautiful tan, having spent most of her holidays to date playing in the backyard with the bugs and her trampoline.  She has been a very good helper to her dad in his man world of experimentation and tools.  Turning into a good project manager and ideas person.  My husband, the patient saint, will go mad amongst such strong minded females 24/7 I'm sure!

Vince has been working on different forms of harnessing solar and wind energy to create energy to run appliances or warm water/tiny house.  He is amazingly excited about his projects and is now collecting empty cola cans and odd bits and pieces.  I'll talk about that a bit in the Tiny Trailer Blog, but hear me when I say this:  My backyard will never be the same again!  Never tidy at the best of times, its definitely a busy messy hub of activity now!  And amongst it all, little Isabella in her bathing suit looking as golden as the sun and as sweet as honey while she hunts bugs or wields a hammer!

And then there is my other precious flower.  She had a rough start to her holidays as both her arms were put in casts to stop her from stuffing her bibs or hand down her throat.  This was not an easy decision to make.  Vince and I and the specialists ( a team of specialists across a few disciplines in fact) did all kinds of tests and observations to rule out any physical/medical reason for her behaviour.  We thought, perhaps she is trying to indicate or fix something that is bothering her?  Mia is non-verbal and mostly communicates through sounds, facial gestures and arm/hand movements. This part of the diagnosis took months.  :(

Putting splints, I knew, would limit her in a way that goes against all we have worked towards all her life and we wanted to make sure before going to these extremes, but when your child is willful and has little to no gag or choke reflex it becomes a matter of life or death.  Our biggest fear is at night when no-one can keep an eye on her.  Even carers need to sleep.

These casts are only a temporary fix until they can make splints that can be put on or removed as needed.  They tried half-casts, but Mia would have none of it and my wee little escape artist just wriggled out of them!  So the casts went on and her sister helped choose the colours so that Mia at the moment has a hot pink cast on one arm and a purple on the other.  My heart sank when I saw her in them, I felt like the worst parent in the world and she was so miserable the first two days, keeping her head down and using a deep mono-toned moan.....and then she started experimenting.....

And what I thought would be a miserable couple of weeks has turned into a time of exploration for her.  She now looks AND reaches out for her toys!  She is also focusing on things and looking at people when they speak. These are very difficult things for her as she has Cortical Visual Impairment (where in short her brain has difficulty seeing and interpreting the information it receives).  Usually she looks, then looks away, and reaches for the object from memory.  To see her focus her attention is pretty amazing stuff...and slowly but surly, her smile came back and she has found a way to express herself despite her casts.  I'm SO PROUD of her.

But more importantly, I do not feel constantly anxious about her when she's out of sight.  No matter what she does, she cannot at present put anything down her throat. I cannot even begin to explain the constant niggling fear.  I had not realised I even felt like this until the casts were on and I noticed the absence of anxiety!  I am hoping that she will grow out of this learnt behaviour with consistent application of behavioural techniques coordinated and applied across board.   

It still is not plain sailing for Mia.  The school holidays are the worst time of the year as the routines she loves are disrupted.  With time she has improved (the first year she cried for six weeks straight inconsolable to the point of loosing her voice):  We have learned to give her other routines that indicate holiday time and she has learned that school does come back eventually.  In the meantime, we live in the moment.   After all, the most important time is now. (Yep, taken from Kung Fu Panda 2)

And with that I remember why I like working, the endless reruns of the same movies do manage to drive otherwise perfectly sane people around the bend. Not that our family needs any help there!

Seize the day my friends,

M-

Nuestra Casita : Our Tiny House on a Trailer

Vince and I are excited about our Tiny House Project.

Now what?

Not exactly the most inspiring of titles, but it is the most accurate way to describe what goes through my mind as I write these words.

I have been wanting to start and keep a blog for a while.  I make it happen and all of a sudden I have nothing to say.  Pretty strange coming from me.  The one thing I do, and generally do a lot of, is speak my mind, think out-loud, whatever. That does not mean that what I have to say is important or even very relevant, but its as honest as it can get. 

So what is the most honest thing I can say today?  If I want my life to improve, I need to take the first steps to improve it myself.  None of this "the world owes me " attitude that teenagers seem to believe these days (and I'm not that old, honest!).  If I want to make a positive change in my life I am going to have to get off my ass (which is of considerable girth I will add) and do it.

My ass is not, however, the reason behind my need to preen.  In fact, its the voice in my head saying that if I do not do something soon my epitaph will read "Here lies Big Ass, partner, parent, carer." What the hell kind of  life summary is that?  Something is gonna change to make my epitaph a juicer read.

M-